Selah

A question lies always within me, a question I desire an answer to from that Only.
As I hear the voices of many others, not certain of which comes truly from You, I wonder what should I turn to and where is the right path I should lay my feet on.  If they claim this as unholy, should I then feel abashed or even ashamed of myself, even if I am a creation under Your holy hand? Am I not a temple of You, as You say I am, that should deserve this great attack of faulty, slanderous name? An attack comes not from enemies or any other man, but from my beloved fellows and friends.
As is in Psalm 55, 

                 "If an enemy were insulting me,

                         I could endure it;

                   if a foe were rising against me,

                         I could hide.

                   But it is you, a man like myself,

                         my companion, my close friend,

                   with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship

                         at the house of God,

                   as we walked about

                         among the worshipers."

Was it Your voice I heard?

Is this Your answer I see?

Will Your shelter I reach?
Can I tell?

Miracle

Down the lane I walked, thinking what we talked.

There came the suggestion I knew not how,

Yet could only smile and wait for God's call.

Soon as I lifted up my head, I saw

A cross there standing so high above all.

I chanted joyfully though it's Friday.

Of all the churches I found around Cal,

This chapel greeted me in its own way.

Serenity and Love are words for it.

Ask me not but God who sees this coming.

This morning went I inside, seeking light,

Communing with those that are God-fearing.

I praised and prayed to the Only, who will

Take good care of whom I miss but can't tell.

Dark Philosophy

When the election for a new term of presidency approaches, people start to get fussy and furious about the tricky political issues. I used to be one of them as well, always trying my best to fight and speak for what I believed to be right. Yet, as time elapses, I started to wonder, "Is what I believe in really right? Are the evidences provided even authentic? They may seem so valid of proof and authority, yet can they also be made up from the basis of a faulty assumption or study that seems so justifiable without doubt? And, does my seemingly defensible justification even matter after decades, or even after I die?"It seems that what might have seemed horrendous or miserable might later turn out normal, or even helpful. Sometimes, I also wonder, "Yes, we all fear and hate wars, but without them could we have learned the lesson we have learned? Could we even have so much to talk about? And how would the world or we be when there were no tragedies at all?"It is also to my question whether a discussion on a political issue would be worthy of my time when there is not much answer and help to it. Of course we need to discuss on an issue so that improvements can be made, yet are we sure that the improvements we see before us, within our understanding, are real improvements? Can they be improvements that put us in a trench where mud and rocks come rushing at us? Can they be improvements that make us feel as if we have improved yet we were wronged?It is even more a question to me of whether that improvement is what we or others need. When I was young, I always felt the urge to get things right, the urge to politely tell my teacher that she had the word misspelled on the board so that my fellow classmates would be able to scribble down the right form of the word. But it seemed, my act with a nice intention had be interpreted to be an act of revolt and rebellion. Then I started to question myself, "What were I to say I was right? What were the standards for right even?" My world and definition of righteousness may just be a piece of joke to others.So, behind all these questions, I still wonder and doubt whether a discussion on the political issues of the present is needed, even though I have a lot to say inside. If a world of change is what never changes, according to Hericlitus, then should we spend the time trying to change the unchangeable? 

Decision of Standards

Actually, a lot of times I only write and update my blog when I encounter incidents that incite me to certain strong emotions or feelings, or when I have thoughts springing up in my head, but unfortunately, a lot of them may be too complicated or philosophical for me to share with others. So, I will end up being here, writing a blog now to readers unknown, yet who are patient enough to read or skim through my poor writings. Thank you, anyone joining the conversation with me now.

To begin my discussion, I probably need to explain what happened earlier.
In this week's business briefing class, we are asked to make a demo-presentation power point on the topic of college admission, which will, in two weeks, be presented to several high school students who are freshman-to-bes.
First, I explained that the background (two books stacked up) in the first slide is an opening indicating to the broad range of knowledge, related to English, that they are about to gain in our department. Then I also expounded the meanings of the later slides, but let's not get into them now, since I will be discussing about a comment based on the first slide, which I found quite depressing. As far as my vivid memory reminds me, the professor said that high school students will not be interested in enrolling to the college once they see the stacks of books presented. There she continues to say that we should arouse the students' interest so that they will apply for the department.
Of course I agree that schools should try their best to attract students and draw in students who are willing to apply for the program, but before we do so, shouldn't we also be asking what kind of students we wish to be welcoming and enrolling?

If students who will only be amused when learning about the extracurricular activities of college, but will be easily bored when seeing that college life is also about reading and learning through the written words from tons of books, do they know why they are entering college and will they survive through their future careers, in which the patience to dig into a profession with occasional boredom is needed. I also wonder, if college is just a place for student clubs, parties, sport events, relationships, and fun, then why do we call it "college"? Why not just make it a recreational center or amusement park? And, to mean no offense, since I also dream to be a professor someday, if these are the most important elements of an university, do we still need professors even?
It's even more to my confusion and doubt of what to respond when the same professor always complains how lots of students do poorly on their research and how those students care so much about vacations instead of their studies. Should she also be responsible for the students she met, since she has made contribution to attracting and welcoming students of this kind in the first place?
I do not mean to criticize anyone, since I do believe that the professor is certainly well-trained in certain fields of study so as to be qualified for the job. But I just felt it strange when a teacher who should be passing on the wisdom and value of education talks about general education as if it's a product (she actually told us to "sell" our program to the high school students). So, a business person working as an educator? Interesting.

Sometimes I question whether I am really simply strange comparing to others, whether my thoughts and personal values are all but meaningless and wrong, and whether there would be people thinking the same things as I am.
I guess this is the bizarre and conflicting moments I have to accept when many people of the world are thinking of one thing while I am thinking of the other. And it just happens all the time...


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In fact, my day is overall an, maybe not perfect, but excellent one.
The main reason for my light mood is you and You. It was great to be sitting beside, listening, looking, and feeling my blood flushing, streaming and bursting inside.
Like always, I am happy to see that you are too.

Ordered Chaos

After an event, you always get something out of it, but not all of them are meant to make you understand better, know clearer, or feel happier immediately after. Sometimes, ironically, these afterthoughts or reflections might just be the ones that lead you into a deep hole of chaos, where you keep on searching, yet the world is so dark that a clear sight is not to be guaranteed, let alone climbing out of it. 

But, somehow there seems to be a mystical power (for me, it's the power from God, but you can define your own source of power). The power is like the trajectory of the outer space (our life) which holds the asteroids and comets (chaos) all together. That you have various chaos but they won't contradict, or simply bump into each other. There is a timeline for each asteroid to follow; they would turn at different times so that they run smoothly, and even if they come at the same time, they still don't mess up with one another, since they are on two different tracks. (Say, if you mess up with matter A, even if you mess up with something related to matter A, it will still be considered as matter B, not A anymore.) That is to say, even if you are in chaos one, you will still likely be bumping into chaos two, because they are different yet parts of the space, i.e. part of you. 

There were three comets floating in my space today, perhaps more. Interestingly though, the comets like I mentioned were on different trajectories that appear at different and also simultaneous moments. A trajectory for sorrow and rejection. The other one for amusement and applause. 

On the sorrow-and-rejection orbit runs a turndown asteroid that is cold on the surface and has led me into more hesitation on making the move to look more closely at it. 

Then here comes the amusement-and-applause orbit that flow two cheerful asteroids which lighten up the darkened space and put in it some warmth. 

The three asteroids on the two trajectories did not come together, yet they have all worked their parts as a whole on the space. At first, asteroids seemed like "surprises" that come out of nowhere and so were not to run following any trajectory. But soon after the comings of various similar asteroids, I have found the two main colorless yet lively orbits that arrange the timelines and paths of the asteroids. Through the discovery, I’ve also found how the sorrow-and-rejection orbit crucial and meaningful. Without it, I could have never found the patterns of these two trajectories. Without it, I could have never felt the movements in my space. Without it, I could have never had the urge to cherish more of the amusement-and-applause orbit.

Comets and asteroids are always constantly floating on the space, as if they are wanderers or lunatics rushing and dashing through the place, but they are actually just floating on different orbits that need great and keen speculation to figure them out. Knowing the existence of the trajectories might not help you change the chaos into order, but it sure does make you feel clearer than before, so that you no longer think and believe that you are simply drowning or plunging into a deep chasm of darkness and confusion. On the contrary, you are actually on a space where there might not be enough light, but definitely enough chaos and order to keep you alive and true.

You have turned down my invitation, somehow pushing me further away yet also pulling me in closer to you.

Perhaps you are afraid of winning to lose. Perhaps you are scared of the truths in lies. Perhaps, there are still thousands more of perhaps. But surely, there is none and will be none for me.

Right now, I have only proven my clumsiness and incapability of speech before you. I haven’t been an eloquent and easy person around you, because the more I care the more I fail to show my care. Sometimes, I hate this part of me, but this is what makes me true. Honestly, no perhaps.   

Carousel

"There."
"Where?"
"Here."
"Later..."
"Fear?"
"Never."
"Liar."
"Better..."
"Care?"
"Sure!"
"Forever?"
"Truer..."
"Tell her."
"Oh dear..."

Confusion

During my process of looking for resources and figuring out what I wish to address and discuss in my paper, I have again and again come to a myriad of walls, hard, solid, and cold, that sometimes turn into phases of mirror that bind me in them, trap me without any exit sign, and trick me with their surreal reflections of me, or was it of someone else? The faces I see in them are so close yet far at the same time. It is I, isn't it? Or are they all the cloning of me that keep me from seeing and knowing the real me and what's inside myself? But if cloning or parallel universes do exist, should they be considered a part of me or even, me? If they are me, then I should be the one to blame for all these confusions, breakdowns, struggles, and exhaustion deriving from never-ending chases. Or perhaps, someone out there, the other world of me, is the real cause to all these, my constant failure of simple thinking and loss of memory. 


Just when I thought the time is perfect to start reading and bearing more in mind, a face of me seems to have a problem cooperating to our needs. Things I read two days ago would soon be gone and erased out of the realm of either short-term or long-term memory, even the most simple information of one's name or what someone had said would all be delivered to somewhere far away from me. What happened earlier today was not simply a new discovery or accident to be fixed. I can't even count the times of this similar situation happening...  Is it because I always fail to trust my instinct and ponder way too longer and complicatedly on the slightest issues, which then impeded my mind to run smoothly and function properly? Or, if I could count on the theory of parallel universes, I wonder, if you are really there on the other side of the universe, who has given me all these troubles I am now trying to work out. 
If the reflections on those crystal mirrors are actually parts of me that kept me going on the same pattern of looking, thinking, searching, and finally realizing, am I trapped, or have I actually trapped them? Am I already living in the world of parallelism but have always failed to discover this, that this world is in itself an universe of parallels, that we are all selves of parallels who are always conflicted and snared by ourselves? No wonder, it takes two times more energy to make my brain work...I guess a piece of joke would be enough to keep me moving on. 


Research takes time and life, I mean it, life. 
A life discovering the differences and similarities 
A life collecting the inside and outside 
A life writing down the past, present, and even future
So, am I living a research or doing a life? 
It doesn't matter, because they all take me to where I am heading.