After an event, you
always get something out of it, but not all of them are meant to make you
understand better, know clearer, or feel happier immediately after. Sometimes,
ironically, these afterthoughts or reflections might just be
the ones that lead you into a deep hole of chaos, where you keep on searching,
yet the world is so dark that a clear sight is not to be guaranteed, let alone
climbing out of it.
But,
somehow there seems to be a mystical power (for me, it's the power from God,
but you can define your own source of power). The power is like the trajectory
of the outer space (our life) which holds the asteroids and comets (chaos) all
together. That you have various chaos but they won't contradict, or simply bump
into each other. There is a timeline for each asteroid to follow; they would
turn at different times so that they run smoothly, and even if they come at the
same time, they still don't mess up with one another, since they are on two
different tracks. (Say, if you mess up with matter A, even if you mess up with
something related to matter A, it will still be considered as matter B, not A
anymore.) That is to say, even if you are in chaos one, you will still likely
be bumping into chaos two, because they are different yet parts of the space,
i.e. part of you.
There
were three comets floating in my space today, perhaps more. Interestingly
though, the comets like I mentioned were on different trajectories that appear
at different and also simultaneous moments. A trajectory for sorrow and
rejection. The other one for amusement and applause.
On the
sorrow-and-rejection orbit runs a turndown asteroid that is cold on the surface
and has led me into more hesitation on making the move to look more closely at
it.
Then
here comes the amusement-and-applause orbit that flow two cheerful asteroids
which lighten up the darkened space and put in it some warmth.
The three asteroids
on the two trajectories did not come together, yet they have all worked their
parts as a whole on the space. At first, asteroids seemed like
"surprises" that come out of nowhere and so were not to run following
any trajectory. But soon after the comings of various similar asteroids, I have
found the two main colorless yet lively orbits that arrange the timelines and
paths of the asteroids. Through the discovery, I’ve also found how the
sorrow-and-rejection orbit crucial and meaningful. Without it, I could have
never found the patterns of these two trajectories. Without it, I could have
never felt the movements in my space. Without it, I could have never had the
urge to cherish more of the amusement-and-applause orbit.
Comets and asteroids are always constantly floating on the space,
as if they are wanderers or lunatics rushing and dashing through the place, but
they are actually just floating on different orbits that need great and keen
speculation to figure them out. Knowing the existence of the trajectories might
not help you change the chaos into order, but it sure does make you feel
clearer than before, so that you no longer think and believe that you are
simply drowning or plunging into a deep chasm of darkness and confusion. On the
contrary, you are actually on a space where there might not be enough light,
but definitely enough chaos and order to keep you alive and true.
You have turned down my invitation, somehow pushing me further away yet also pulling me in closer to you.
Perhaps you are
afraid of winning to lose. Perhaps you are scared of the truths in lies.
Perhaps, there are still thousands more of perhaps. But surely, there is none
and will be none for me.
Right now, I have
only proven my clumsiness and incapability of speech before you. I haven’t been
an eloquent and easy person around you, because the more I care the more I fail
to show my care. Sometimes, I hate this part of me, but this is what makes me true.
Honestly, no perhaps.
