During my process of looking for resources and figuring out what I wish to address and discuss in my paper, I have again and again come to a myriad of walls, hard, solid, and cold, that sometimes turn into phases of mirror that bind me in them, trap me without any exit sign, and trick me with their surreal reflections of me, or was it of someone else? The faces I see in them are so close yet far at the same time. It is I, isn't it? Or are they all the cloning of me that keep me from seeing and knowing the real me and what's inside myself? But if cloning or parallel universes do exist, should they be considered a part of me or even, me? If they are me, then I should be the one to blame for all these confusions, breakdowns, struggles, and exhaustion deriving from never-ending chases. Or perhaps, someone out there, the other world of me, is the real cause to all these, my constant failure of simple thinking and loss of memory.
Just when I thought the time is perfect to start reading and bearing more in mind, a face of me seems to have a problem cooperating to our needs. Things I read two days ago would soon be gone and erased out of the realm of either short-term or long-term memory, even the most simple information of one's name or what someone had said would all be delivered to somewhere far away from me. What happened earlier today was not simply a new discovery or accident to be fixed. I can't even count the times of this similar situation happening... Is it because I always fail to trust my instinct and ponder way too longer and complicatedly on the slightest issues, which then impeded my mind to run smoothly and function properly? Or, if I could count on the theory of parallel universes, I wonder, if you are really there on the other side of the universe, who has given me all these troubles I am now trying to work out.
If the reflections on those crystal mirrors are actually parts of me that kept me going on the same pattern of looking, thinking, searching, and finally realizing, am I trapped, or have I actually trapped them? Am I already living in the world of parallelism but have always failed to discover this, that this world is in itself an universe of parallels, that we are all selves of parallels who are always conflicted and snared by ourselves? No wonder, it takes two times more energy to make my brain work...I guess a piece of joke would be enough to keep me moving on.
Research takes time and life, I mean it, life.
A life discovering the differences and similarities
A life collecting the inside and outside
A life writing down the past, present, and even future
So, am I living a research or doing a life?
It doesn't matter, because they all take me to where I am heading.
